spaghetti i will never forget.

im trying to find the balance... in wanting to get really honest on this blog about things... or just teeter on the truth and land on the positive outlook i know i should have.

today im going to be honest. forget the teetering.

this might be a little dramatic, but its the truth as i felt it yesterday. and i want to remember it...

taking p to daycare (not calling it school right now) was horrible. it was absolutely awful. i hated every minute of the drive there. (so much so that i actually put my hand back into his car seat while i was driving and we held hands the whole way). no listening to morning talk radio like i used to -- we listened to instrumental lullabies to soothe ME.

i was crying when i got there.

i hated filling out a form about his feeding schedule and what types of things he is liking these days. a form? i can't write down on a form all the things he is liking these days. and i certainly can't dictate in 3 lines the complexity of his feeding schedule. i could write a novel. this boy's feeding schedule is something that i have coaxed and coddled and and somehow shaped into this perfect thing that he and i work out everyday. it may always be different, but we have an understanding and i am the BEST at determining what each next feed should look like after assessing the last. i wanted to write: to be brief; Porter doesn't like to eat... and he has BAD reflux. and his mother is ANAL about making sure he gets the right amount at every feeding...and that each feeding is pretty close to EXACTLY 3 hours from the last one. and when its not, his mother has to count to 10 slowly and remember to let go (and maybe even recite the serenity prayer). oh yea, and i rock him and sshhh him and sing to him while he eats. and i kiss his forehead at least 3 times during the feeding...every time. and then i wanted to go on and on about how and when i burp him and what i do when he spits up a lot and how i kind of trick him into eating more when he acts like he is done and how i sometimes kiss his birthmark on the back of his neck like my mom use to kiss the back of my neck when she was brushing my hair. instead i wrote: ' eats every 3 - 3 1/2 hours. doesn't like a lot of distractions while eating. has reflux, but is on meds. happy baby!'

so then i was crying again when i handed her the form.

i kissed him around 17 times and told her i would be back at lunch to check on things.

the house as a whole seemed peaceful. i saw his crib (MUCH smaller than i remembered it when i visited pregnant) and the other little ones that would be in his room... and i just walked out. i had brought my camera but i wouldn't have been able to look through the viewfinder to take a shot.

now here is the reality. moms do this ALL the time. that's what i kept telling myself. this is NOT some strange, horrible plight that only i am having to deal with. this is the burden that all working moms carry. for whatever reason, i am just dealing with this like someone put a sack of bricks on my chest. i could hardly breathe thinking about taking him back today. ridiculous, because... no question, i was going to take him back today.

i am writing all of this down because im hoping that i can look back on this and know that i have grown or changed along the way... or maybe someone reading this can relate... even writing it i feel a little lame for being so dramatic, but honest to the good lord, I cried almost all day yesterday... and i feel like that should be documented.

i haven't even gotten to the good part...

i went back at lunch for the visit. not crying yet, but feeling that hard knot in my throat.

i walked in that house hoping to find Porter happy as a lark, cooing and smiling...

instead, i walked in and there were toddlers everywhere. apparently i had entered through the wrong door and instead of walking into the peaceful infant room i walked into lunchtime mayhem.

these children were all --get this-- covered in spaghetti. head to toe, every kid in the place was COVERED in spaghetti. i was having the hardest day ever trying to cope with the concept of leaving my child in daycare and telling myself all morning that everything there was peaceful and perfect... and i walked in to find that there was meat and sauce and long stringy noodles stuck to the floor, to their faces, their bellies, and smeared on their diapers. oh yea, i forgot to mention that they were all wearing ONLY DIAPERS. right when i walked in the door, the owner popped up and said 'oh, yea! its spaghetti day! we always eat spaghetti in our diapers..."

WHAT????

seriously. has anyone ever heard of this concept? and entire daycare full of children eating spaghetti around a table in nothing but diapers? these children were all the color of candy circus peanuts.

to say the least, i was a bit surprised. i went straight to the infant room to find p sitting in his bumbo seat, happy as a lark, cooing. he smiled right when i walked in and then my tears came again.

i was still appalled...almost laughing, but mostly crying.


after a long conversation with my mom and some debriefing with zach, i am going to give this another week or so to see how i really feel. there is so much more to the story -- too much to write -- about bottles of breast milk sitting out and seeing older children taking their pacifiers in and out and smashing them on the floor and putting them back in their mouths. awesome.

so last night i went to bed thinking i would have to trust the Lord that this is the right decision... and if it isn't i would surely have to KNOW. there is no possible way i can cope with this concept otherwise... and this morning i woke up with peace and we went back. thank you lord for peace. and somehow today, i thought the whole spaghetti thing was funny -- along with how SERIOUSLY uptight i have become about everything regarding raising p -- also funny.

im learning to let go.

a few positives about things i witnessed today: i didn't cry, he didn't cry, there was no wasted breast milk when i went to pick him up, and when i got there the infant room worker was holding him and talking to him and rocking him and couldn't stop loving on him. she said he reminds her of her oldest and so he is already carving a special place in her heart.

also, no one was covered in spaghetti.

we are taking this one day at a time...