amazing story from today. if you know me, you know that i pump. (if you need further explanation, you don't know me.) and today was one of many amazing pumping blunders i have had along the way.
i took a half day at school so i could take porter to get his 4 month shots. i left school at noon and knew i needed to pump before i picked him up because otherwise it would be way too long before i got home. one would think i should have just stayed in my classroom and pumped like i always do during my conference period but i just knew the sub, who would have a key, would surely walk in the moment i hooked up. i couldn't bare the thought of being 'caught.'
so the solution was to pump in my car. this is not a first. i have even pumped while i was driving... several times. i love to multi-task. there is a place near the high school football field that has a little path back behind some trees... i have pumped there several times so i thought it to be a good spot. it is surely where the high school kids go to smoke. seemed safe enough.
well, about 5 minutes into the process, something terrible happened.
a cop pulled up behind me.
i just knew he was going to come to my window and ask me if i was huffing paint or something and why i was 'hiding' my suv behind the trees next to the football field.
when the cop got out i realized it was the officer that is stationed at my school... gary...and i was a little relieved and TOTALLY mortified at the same time.
panic came over me. all i could think was that i had 2 options: a.) wait until he comes to the window and play it cool with the sweater draped over me. or b.) abruptly roll down my window and shout out what is going on.
yep. i opted for plan b.
i rolled down my window and flailed my arm out and shouted "gary! gary! its carrie! you have to STOP. don't come over here! i can't tell you what im doing!"
gary: "hey carrie... you what?" (he partly couldn't hear me... and partly was probably thinking...did she just say that she can't tell me what she's doing?'
me: "ok fine. please dont come to the window... IM PUMPING. you know. pumping."
gary: "oh, god. seriously? i was just coming to take a smoke break. you just keep on pumping. i am NOT coming to your window."
awesome.
so not only was he NOT planning on coming to the window...he did NOT need or want to know what i was doing.
these are the times i think about how lucy thinks im just like bridget jones... and i think she might be right. so awkward.
on to other news. thanks so much for all the concern for p -- his fever is gone and turns out it was just a little cold (that he ended up giving me)... oh, daycare.
he did great today at his 4 month visit. 14 lbs. and 25 1/2 inches long. long and lean.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
home sick
my mom tried to prepare me for this... that now that we are in 'school', p would inevitably face some illness from all the added germs. we aren't quite sure what's wrong, but he had a fever last night and was up almost all night so we are headed to the dr. this afternoon. sad he doesn't feel good, but happy to get to spend some extra time with him.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
school has started
yesterday was our first day with the kiddos. its crazy how being a mom now has changed my perspective in everything... but now i am realizing i think its going to affect my teaching.
all of these snotty nosed, hormone raging, emotionally charged twerps are someone's baby. wow. a new love for them is developing.
best story of the day:
while i was giving my schpeel to my class (rules, supplies, tardies, make-up work...) a sweet little boy raised his hand like he was trying really hard to touch the ceiling. usually only 6th graders raise their hands like that, because in 6th grade its still super cool to know every answer and be the first called on... but this was a 7th grader. normally my 7th graders have to be deeply convinced of an answer or have some sort of great investment in an activity to raise their hands. so i called on him... because my goodness, he must have something important to add to our conversation.
and this is what he said:
boy: 'hey, mrs. ryan. has anyone ever told you that you REALLY look like a celebrity?'
me: 'no sweetie, im just a teacher... not nearly that cool.'
boy: 'well, you look EXACTLY like Molly Ringwald. like, exactly like her. when she was younger... (pause) I LOVE SIXTEEN CANDLES.'
i couldn't help but just start laughing. how many 7th grade boys do you know that have seen Sixteen Candles? and how many of them have watched it enough times to know Molly Ringwald's name? she's not exactly an 'it' name these days. i would expect a Twilight reference... but certainly not Sixteen Candles. and not from a 7th grade boy.
all of these snotty nosed, hormone raging, emotionally charged twerps are someone's baby. wow. a new love for them is developing.
best story of the day:
while i was giving my schpeel to my class (rules, supplies, tardies, make-up work...) a sweet little boy raised his hand like he was trying really hard to touch the ceiling. usually only 6th graders raise their hands like that, because in 6th grade its still super cool to know every answer and be the first called on... but this was a 7th grader. normally my 7th graders have to be deeply convinced of an answer or have some sort of great investment in an activity to raise their hands. so i called on him... because my goodness, he must have something important to add to our conversation.
and this is what he said:
boy: 'hey, mrs. ryan. has anyone ever told you that you REALLY look like a celebrity?'
me: 'no sweetie, im just a teacher... not nearly that cool.'
boy: 'well, you look EXACTLY like Molly Ringwald. like, exactly like her. when she was younger... (pause) I LOVE SIXTEEN CANDLES.'
i couldn't help but just start laughing. how many 7th grade boys do you know that have seen Sixteen Candles? and how many of them have watched it enough times to know Molly Ringwald's name? she's not exactly an 'it' name these days. i would expect a Twilight reference... but certainly not Sixteen Candles. and not from a 7th grade boy.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
wiggle worms
last night some guys came over to brew with z and so the ladies hung out inside with the babes.
here are p and ella constantly wiggling. so hard to capture them...
and b and p.
and one more of him sleeping today. i love the sprawled out arms. snoozing.
here are p and ella constantly wiggling. so hard to capture them...
and b and p.
and one more of him sleeping today. i love the sprawled out arms. snoozing.
encouraging.
when i went to pick him up on wednesday the woman who is in the infant room in the afternoons said 'that Porter, he has a wise old soul. i just love looking at him because when he looks me in the eyes i feel like he's known me my whole life.'
my sweet boy has an old soul.
i'm not totally sure what that means, but when he looks at me i feel it too.
here he is no worse for wear, napping like a champ this morning.
my sweet boy has an old soul.
i'm not totally sure what that means, but when he looks at me i feel it too.
here he is no worse for wear, napping like a champ this morning.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
spaghetti i will never forget.
im trying to find the balance... in wanting to get really honest on this blog about things... or just teeter on the truth and land on the positive outlook i know i should have.
today im going to be honest. forget the teetering.
this might be a little dramatic, but its the truth as i felt it yesterday. and i want to remember it...
taking p to daycare (not calling it school right now) was horrible. it was absolutely awful. i hated every minute of the drive there. (so much so that i actually put my hand back into his car seat while i was driving and we held hands the whole way). no listening to morning talk radio like i used to -- we listened to instrumental lullabies to soothe ME.
i was crying when i got there.
i hated filling out a form about his feeding schedule and what types of things he is liking these days. a form? i can't write down on a form all the things he is liking these days. and i certainly can't dictate in 3 lines the complexity of his feeding schedule. i could write a novel. this boy's feeding schedule is something that i have coaxed and coddled and and somehow shaped into this perfect thing that he and i work out everyday. it may always be different, but we have an understanding and i am the BEST at determining what each next feed should look like after assessing the last. i wanted to write: to be brief; Porter doesn't like to eat... and he has BAD reflux. and his mother is ANAL about making sure he gets the right amount at every feeding...and that each feeding is pretty close to EXACTLY 3 hours from the last one. and when its not, his mother has to count to 10 slowly and remember to let go (and maybe even recite the serenity prayer). oh yea, and i rock him and sshhh him and sing to him while he eats. and i kiss his forehead at least 3 times during the feeding...every time. and then i wanted to go on and on about how and when i burp him and what i do when he spits up a lot and how i kind of trick him into eating more when he acts like he is done and how i sometimes kiss his birthmark on the back of his neck like my mom use to kiss the back of my neck when she was brushing my hair. instead i wrote: ' eats every 3 - 3 1/2 hours. doesn't like a lot of distractions while eating. has reflux, but is on meds. happy baby!'
so then i was crying again when i handed her the form.
i kissed him around 17 times and told her i would be back at lunch to check on things.
the house as a whole seemed peaceful. i saw his crib (MUCH smaller than i remembered it when i visited pregnant) and the other little ones that would be in his room... and i just walked out. i had brought my camera but i wouldn't have been able to look through the viewfinder to take a shot.
now here is the reality. moms do this ALL the time. that's what i kept telling myself. this is NOT some strange, horrible plight that only i am having to deal with. this is the burden that all working moms carry. for whatever reason, i am just dealing with this like someone put a sack of bricks on my chest. i could hardly breathe thinking about taking him back today. ridiculous, because... no question, i was going to take him back today.
i am writing all of this down because im hoping that i can look back on this and know that i have grown or changed along the way... or maybe someone reading this can relate... even writing it i feel a little lame for being so dramatic, but honest to the good lord, I cried almost all day yesterday... and i feel like that should be documented.
i haven't even gotten to the good part...
i went back at lunch for the visit. not crying yet, but feeling that hard knot in my throat.
i walked in that house hoping to find Porter happy as a lark, cooing and smiling...
instead, i walked in and there were toddlers everywhere. apparently i had entered through the wrong door and instead of walking into the peaceful infant room i walked into lunchtime mayhem.
these children were all --get this-- covered in spaghetti. head to toe, every kid in the place was COVERED in spaghetti. i was having the hardest day ever trying to cope with the concept of leaving my child in daycare and telling myself all morning that everything there was peaceful and perfect... and i walked in to find that there was meat and sauce and long stringy noodles stuck to the floor, to their faces, their bellies, and smeared on their diapers. oh yea, i forgot to mention that they were all wearing ONLY DIAPERS. right when i walked in the door, the owner popped up and said 'oh, yea! its spaghetti day! we always eat spaghetti in our diapers..."
WHAT????
seriously. has anyone ever heard of this concept? and entire daycare full of children eating spaghetti around a table in nothing but diapers? these children were all the color of candy circus peanuts.
to say the least, i was a bit surprised. i went straight to the infant room to find p sitting in his bumbo seat, happy as a lark, cooing. he smiled right when i walked in and then my tears came again.
i was still appalled...almost laughing, but mostly crying.
after a long conversation with my mom and some debriefing with zach, i am going to give this another week or so to see how i really feel. there is so much more to the story -- too much to write -- about bottles of breast milk sitting out and seeing older children taking their pacifiers in and out and smashing them on the floor and putting them back in their mouths. awesome.
so last night i went to bed thinking i would have to trust the Lord that this is the right decision... and if it isn't i would surely have to KNOW. there is no possible way i can cope with this concept otherwise... and this morning i woke up with peace and we went back. thank you lord for peace. and somehow today, i thought the whole spaghetti thing was funny -- along with how SERIOUSLY uptight i have become about everything regarding raising p -- also funny.
im learning to let go.
a few positives about things i witnessed today: i didn't cry, he didn't cry, there was no wasted breast milk when i went to pick him up, and when i got there the infant room worker was holding him and talking to him and rocking him and couldn't stop loving on him. she said he reminds her of her oldest and so he is already carving a special place in her heart.
also, no one was covered in spaghetti.
we are taking this one day at a time...
today im going to be honest. forget the teetering.
this might be a little dramatic, but its the truth as i felt it yesterday. and i want to remember it...
taking p to daycare (not calling it school right now) was horrible. it was absolutely awful. i hated every minute of the drive there. (so much so that i actually put my hand back into his car seat while i was driving and we held hands the whole way). no listening to morning talk radio like i used to -- we listened to instrumental lullabies to soothe ME.
i was crying when i got there.
i hated filling out a form about his feeding schedule and what types of things he is liking these days. a form? i can't write down on a form all the things he is liking these days. and i certainly can't dictate in 3 lines the complexity of his feeding schedule. i could write a novel. this boy's feeding schedule is something that i have coaxed and coddled and and somehow shaped into this perfect thing that he and i work out everyday. it may always be different, but we have an understanding and i am the BEST at determining what each next feed should look like after assessing the last. i wanted to write: to be brief; Porter doesn't like to eat... and he has BAD reflux. and his mother is ANAL about making sure he gets the right amount at every feeding...and that each feeding is pretty close to EXACTLY 3 hours from the last one. and when its not, his mother has to count to 10 slowly and remember to let go (and maybe even recite the serenity prayer). oh yea, and i rock him and sshhh him and sing to him while he eats. and i kiss his forehead at least 3 times during the feeding...every time. and then i wanted to go on and on about how and when i burp him and what i do when he spits up a lot and how i kind of trick him into eating more when he acts like he is done and how i sometimes kiss his birthmark on the back of his neck like my mom use to kiss the back of my neck when she was brushing my hair. instead i wrote: ' eats every 3 - 3 1/2 hours. doesn't like a lot of distractions while eating. has reflux, but is on meds. happy baby!'
so then i was crying again when i handed her the form.
i kissed him around 17 times and told her i would be back at lunch to check on things.
the house as a whole seemed peaceful. i saw his crib (MUCH smaller than i remembered it when i visited pregnant) and the other little ones that would be in his room... and i just walked out. i had brought my camera but i wouldn't have been able to look through the viewfinder to take a shot.
now here is the reality. moms do this ALL the time. that's what i kept telling myself. this is NOT some strange, horrible plight that only i am having to deal with. this is the burden that all working moms carry. for whatever reason, i am just dealing with this like someone put a sack of bricks on my chest. i could hardly breathe thinking about taking him back today. ridiculous, because... no question, i was going to take him back today.
i am writing all of this down because im hoping that i can look back on this and know that i have grown or changed along the way... or maybe someone reading this can relate... even writing it i feel a little lame for being so dramatic, but honest to the good lord, I cried almost all day yesterday... and i feel like that should be documented.
i haven't even gotten to the good part...
i went back at lunch for the visit. not crying yet, but feeling that hard knot in my throat.
i walked in that house hoping to find Porter happy as a lark, cooing and smiling...
instead, i walked in and there were toddlers everywhere. apparently i had entered through the wrong door and instead of walking into the peaceful infant room i walked into lunchtime mayhem.
these children were all --get this-- covered in spaghetti. head to toe, every kid in the place was COVERED in spaghetti. i was having the hardest day ever trying to cope with the concept of leaving my child in daycare and telling myself all morning that everything there was peaceful and perfect... and i walked in to find that there was meat and sauce and long stringy noodles stuck to the floor, to their faces, their bellies, and smeared on their diapers. oh yea, i forgot to mention that they were all wearing ONLY DIAPERS. right when i walked in the door, the owner popped up and said 'oh, yea! its spaghetti day! we always eat spaghetti in our diapers..."
WHAT????
seriously. has anyone ever heard of this concept? and entire daycare full of children eating spaghetti around a table in nothing but diapers? these children were all the color of candy circus peanuts.
to say the least, i was a bit surprised. i went straight to the infant room to find p sitting in his bumbo seat, happy as a lark, cooing. he smiled right when i walked in and then my tears came again.
i was still appalled...almost laughing, but mostly crying.
after a long conversation with my mom and some debriefing with zach, i am going to give this another week or so to see how i really feel. there is so much more to the story -- too much to write -- about bottles of breast milk sitting out and seeing older children taking their pacifiers in and out and smashing them on the floor and putting them back in their mouths. awesome.
so last night i went to bed thinking i would have to trust the Lord that this is the right decision... and if it isn't i would surely have to KNOW. there is no possible way i can cope with this concept otherwise... and this morning i woke up with peace and we went back. thank you lord for peace. and somehow today, i thought the whole spaghetti thing was funny -- along with how SERIOUSLY uptight i have become about everything regarding raising p -- also funny.
im learning to let go.
a few positives about things i witnessed today: i didn't cry, he didn't cry, there was no wasted breast milk when i went to pick him up, and when i got there the infant room worker was holding him and talking to him and rocking him and couldn't stop loving on him. she said he reminds her of her oldest and so he is already carving a special place in her heart.
also, no one was covered in spaghetti.
we are taking this one day at a time...
Friday, August 14, 2009
nothin says back to school
like trying on your outfit for the first day.
anticipating the big day...
loving his finger.
thinking about all the new friends he is going to make.
seriously hot and ready to STOP taking pictures.
i can't be stopped today. so many pictures... but somehow i feel like its our last day just us. i know, i know... its not. just humor me in my nostalgia.
anticipating the big day...
loving his finger.
thinking about all the new friends he is going to make.
seriously hot and ready to STOP taking pictures.
i can't be stopped today. so many pictures... but somehow i feel like its our last day just us. i know, i know... its not. just humor me in my nostalgia.
monday...
porter and i had a long talk this morning about how we BOTH have to start school on monday...
and he seems to be ok with it...im having a harder time.
i pray that he makes great friends and feels loved and safe and stimulated all day... and that i wont cry the entire day.
this is going to be a big change for us both.
i plan on taking pictures of where he will sleep and a few of the fun things about where he will be staying. this place (i will be referring to it as 'porter's school'... as to avoid any creepers who might actually want to know where he is staying) is pretty neat. if you talk to me regularly, you know i have had my reservations about sending him ANYWHERE... but it is what it is and this is what we are going to do this year.
so, to remind myself of all the reasons i like the place we chose, i will post a list. please note that i realize a 4 month old will not benefit from many of these things listed... but the overall culture and feeling of a place is important and i think these details create a wonderful culture.
1. its close to my school.
2. there are only 4 babies and 2 workers in p's room.
3. the kids eat all organic (p is still eating the ORIGINAL all organic meals ;)
4. its on a farm!
5. when i visited the first time i happened to stop in during lunch... all the toddlers were eating family style at a big table asking each other to 'pass the broccoli' and saying 'thank you'... i also witnessed them all go scrape their plates into a bucket and then argue over who had the privilege of dumping the food onto the compost pile.
6. they get to pet and help take care of the animals on the farm
7. they gather eggs from the chickens
8. the school hosts a local farmer's market twice a month.
9. the school also hosts pamper nights for mothers of the 'students' where they bring in massage therapists and manicurists (who are also mothers of students in the school) and offer services at a discount so everyone can meet and support each other.
10. they offer yoga at the school on wednesday evenings and provide free childcare during the class.
11. they blog daily about what they did, what they ate and post pictures of the fun they had.
its hard to believe this time we have been thinking about for so long is finally here. even while i was pregnant, one of my biggest points of anxiety was 'what is going to happen when i have to go back to work'... and the day is nearly here. i trust that this is the decision we are supposed to make...no matter how hard it is.
i keep reminding myself that mothers everywhere go back to work all the time... and most go back sooner than 3 1/2 months. we can do this, and we will all be stronger for it. its not forever.
also, when i saw this picture of p's quick feet ... i realized that if things get crazy at his school, i bet he could just run away. he's so advanced.
and he seems to be ok with it...im having a harder time.
i pray that he makes great friends and feels loved and safe and stimulated all day... and that i wont cry the entire day.
this is going to be a big change for us both.
i plan on taking pictures of where he will sleep and a few of the fun things about where he will be staying. this place (i will be referring to it as 'porter's school'... as to avoid any creepers who might actually want to know where he is staying) is pretty neat. if you talk to me regularly, you know i have had my reservations about sending him ANYWHERE... but it is what it is and this is what we are going to do this year.
so, to remind myself of all the reasons i like the place we chose, i will post a list. please note that i realize a 4 month old will not benefit from many of these things listed... but the overall culture and feeling of a place is important and i think these details create a wonderful culture.
1. its close to my school.
2. there are only 4 babies and 2 workers in p's room.
3. the kids eat all organic (p is still eating the ORIGINAL all organic meals ;)
4. its on a farm!
5. when i visited the first time i happened to stop in during lunch... all the toddlers were eating family style at a big table asking each other to 'pass the broccoli' and saying 'thank you'... i also witnessed them all go scrape their plates into a bucket and then argue over who had the privilege of dumping the food onto the compost pile.
6. they get to pet and help take care of the animals on the farm
7. they gather eggs from the chickens
8. the school hosts a local farmer's market twice a month.
9. the school also hosts pamper nights for mothers of the 'students' where they bring in massage therapists and manicurists (who are also mothers of students in the school) and offer services at a discount so everyone can meet and support each other.
10. they offer yoga at the school on wednesday evenings and provide free childcare during the class.
11. they blog daily about what they did, what they ate and post pictures of the fun they had.
its hard to believe this time we have been thinking about for so long is finally here. even while i was pregnant, one of my biggest points of anxiety was 'what is going to happen when i have to go back to work'... and the day is nearly here. i trust that this is the decision we are supposed to make...no matter how hard it is.
i keep reminding myself that mothers everywhere go back to work all the time... and most go back sooner than 3 1/2 months. we can do this, and we will all be stronger for it. its not forever.
also, when i saw this picture of p's quick feet ... i realized that if things get crazy at his school, i bet he could just run away. he's so advanced.
chewing
one would think i should just video tape him doing these things... and post that... but instead i take about a million pictures and try to paste together what was happening.
this is p figuring out that instead of chewing on his blankie or burp cloth (which requires waiting for me to bring it to him) he can just munch on his shirt.
and when he gets tired of that... he can just gnaw on his fingers.
this is p figuring out that instead of chewing on his blankie or burp cloth (which requires waiting for me to bring it to him) he can just munch on his shirt.
and when he gets tired of that... he can just gnaw on his fingers.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
honey or bebe?
this guy spent some time with both sets of grandparents this weekend while z and i went to the beach... and he came back sticking out his tongue.
he loves it. like, he REALLY loves his tongue now. every time i look at him he is sticking it out and back in and back out...
we are trying to determine which grandma thought it would be funny to teach him this... honey or bebe?
either way, we are loving laughing at his 'new trick.'
he loves it. like, he REALLY loves his tongue now. every time i look at him he is sticking it out and back in and back out...
we are trying to determine which grandma thought it would be funny to teach him this... honey or bebe?
either way, we are loving laughing at his 'new trick.'
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
porter and his lady friends
this is porter with his two new girlfriends, claire and ella. they came over today and tried out the new blow up pool i put on our back deck. it was pretty funny... we are looking forward to these babies being able to hold themselves up in the water.
look at that little lounger in the background...
flanked by the ladies.
too cool.
look at that little lounger in the background...
flanked by the ladies.
too cool.
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